Free Pornography From a Dead Guy? (Vancouver, WA)
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2008-04-07, 2:53PM PDT
My dad died at the end of last September. I loved my dad a lot. We didn't really see that much of each other, but when we did it was always pleasant. I was positively crushed by stress and anxiety while dealing with the whole ordeal. I'm sure you understand.
Anyway, while going through his effects, I came across a surprising stash of porn DVDs, which, judging by his checking account ledger, he got from Adam and Eve through mail-order. At first I was like, "Hey! Free porn!" but then I got kind of creeped out about learning of the preferences my dad may or may not have had in the bedroom. What if they're weird? What If I like them? Could I live with learning about exciting new fetishes from my dead father?
I decided that -- free porn or no -- I really don't want to go there.
So, my devastating loss is your gain! If you'd like a small plastic bag full of 8-10 pornographic DVD films (and to have a description of your appearance appear on my blog when I write about this transaction) drop me a line at email@example.com to arrange a time to come pick them up.
I will not be listing titles or anything, as I've spent the last 6 months forgetting what it was that I saw when I briefly went through them. You will be required to take the whole bag; no picking and choosing. You also will be required to say "I'm sorry for your loss, but thank you for the porn." I hope this isn't a problem.
You must also provide a proof of age that is at least believable enough to fool the guy who runs the 7-11 where you purchase your Smirnoff Ice. I don't want to get busted for contributing to the delinquency of minors, you know. Now that I think of it, if you wanted to bring me some Smirnoff Ice in exchange for the porn, I sure wouldn't pass it up.
In any case, if you're in the market for a free bag-o-dead-guy-porn (and understand that it is porn that once belonged to a guy who is now dead, not FEATURING a dead guy. Heck, if it was, I might keep them myself) drop me a line and come get them.
firstname.lastname@example.org in Vancouver
Well crap. Apparently pornography is not permitted to be sold on craigslist.
The author lives in Vancouver, Washington, USA with his girlfriend and a menagerie of cats, rats, fish, birds, guinea pigs and robots.
Among other inanities, he strives to use investigative techniques to work young starlet breasts into every aspect of rational discourse -- focusing on the discourse, thus making it not perverted. Also, has recently begun a career as "Internet hairstylist."
He can be contacted via email and Jabber IM at 'email@example.com'. He likes to be contacted.
(All press inquiries, however, ought be directed towards the author's agent, Alistair Hoel, via email to firstname.lastname@example.org.)