Excerpt from the Smallville Gazette, May 4th, 19[REDACTED]:

Dr. Franklin Sondheim is perplexed at the appearance of radiation burns on the entire Smallville High cheer-leading squad.

“The burns are of the type normally associated with long-term exposure to X-ray radiation. The curious part is that the burns appear almost exclusively within the area covered by undergarments. The breasts and pubic region are the most affected, but some burns appear on the buttocks as well. If I didn’t know better, I’d think someone were using some sort of X-ray ‘scope’ to peek under their clothes.”

The only thing these girls have in common is that they stand on the sidelines the entire time the Smallville High football team practices and plays games.

Initially thought to be an allergic reaction to their new uniforms, the girls’ condition has been rapidly worsening since the beginning of the play-offs. Several of the girls visited Dr. Sondheim, who diagnosed the condition as radiation poisoning.

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