If, upon learning that there’s an R-rated Christian horror film in theaters, you feel that you just HAVE to experience it for yourself, I very strongly suggest you fight the urge.

I didn’t, and thus had the extreme displeasure of sitting through what is quite possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen — and I saw both MASTER OF DISGUISE and MIMIC while they were in cinemas. The film in question is HOUSE, a low-budget adaptation of Frank Peretti & Ted Dekker’s novel that somehow got released to theaters.

I’ve been trying to write this post for a couple weeks now, intending to summarize the film and give an idea of how truly awful it is, but it’s just too awful. The film depicts a couple going through their own personal Hell, but I think the true intent of the film was to put ME through an hour and a half of Hell. I’m still not certain that Hell is a physical place, but I ain’t takin’ any chances… I almost didn’t survive the screening, so an eternity of that is unfathomable. I’m catching up on back-tithings as we speak.

In any case, lest you’re curious, this movie in no way deserved an R-rating. There’s virtually no blood, no on-screen violence, and it’s about as scary as a Very Special Episode of TV’s BLOSSOM. The producers purportedly fought with the MPAA over the R-rating, but I find that highly suspect. I think instead that they asked Mabel to give it an R so as to trick hapless heathens into seeing it. Just now, while trying to find a copy of the poster of the film, I stumbled across Ted Dekker himself talking about the film, and I find that what he said completely backs up my impressions regarding the theatrical release of this film:

“This is still essentially the same story from the book. It’s the story of four lost souls entering their own hell, mistaking their one hope of rescue as something evil, and in the end either living or dying.

But the marketing has changed. The message is now going out to the millions who would never be caught dead watching a movie like ‘Left Behind,’ no pun intended. “

Indeed, it appears that some well-intentioned zealot put a lot of money into getting this stinker into theaters in order to turn some people’s lives around. I’m all for trying to make people’s lives better, but by tricking them into seeing a horrible movie?

It’s like the Crusades all over again…

Defined tags for this entry: christianity, house, movies, religion, reviews