Know those annoying "Support our XXXXX" ribbon magnets I'm always going on about? I think those have tiny RFID chips built into them, allowing the government to track the most trendy, patriotic, easily manipulated citizens.
How does the government know who has what magnets, or know when you replace your worn ones for newer ones? Simple: fast food restaurants.
Bear with me here.
Every fast food chain has closed circuit cameras pointed at the front of your car while you are at the drivethru, in case you rob the place or something. A computer uses the camera to read your license plate, cross references that with the unique ID that the ribbon magnet transmits, and then adds it to a database if it isn't there already. Because of the highly sophisticated computer software our government is using to curb the threat of terrorism, we know that people who eat chicken sandwiches are 37% more likely to be terrorists than people who eat only beef sandwiches. Also, terrorists prefer the Vinagrette dressing on their salads a whopping 43% over both Ranch and Thousand Island combined. A terrorist will never, ever Supersize, so that's an easy flag right there.
"Surely America's fast food restaurants would never join forces with the government," you might say. Well, I have some startling evidence to support my claim. Have you noticed all the fast food chains here in America are changing the color schemes of their restaurants and logos to contain more red, white and blue? I have. Take a look. All of them are now red white and blue. Case closed.
The author lives in Vancouver, Washington, USA with his girlfriend and a menagerie of cats, rats, fish, birds, guinea pigs and robots.
Among other inanities, he strives to use investigative techniques to work young starlet breasts into every aspect of rational discourse -- focusing on the discourse, thus making it not perverted. Also, has recently begun a career as "Internet hairstylist."
He can be contacted via email and Jabber IM at 'firstname.lastname@example.org'. He likes to be contacted.
(All press inquiries, however, ought be directed towards the author's agent, Alistair Hoel, via email to email@example.com.)