Because I am a big fan of movies (just not actually going to go see them) I read lots of movie news. Today there was one notable item that really caught my eye, possibly because it involved genitalia.
It seems that model/actor Brandon Routh, who will be next seen as Clark Kent in the upcoming Superman Returns, has a really large penis. It also seems that this large member, when combined with skin-tight lycra, is creating a bulge that Warner Bros. wants removed.
Rumor has it they're going to use the same digital editing techniques used earlier this year to reduce the size of Lindsay Lohan's spectacular rack to make The Man of Steel's Kryptonian crotch less bulgerific. Now I realize the pantsal region is one casually described as 'where the sun doesn't shine', but surely Earth's yellow sun1 penetrates into his pants at least a little, thus making that area super strong as well?
The thing I really don't get is, the demographic for this film is predominantly homosexual males2 (with the odd sprinkling of women who like to look at well-built guys in tights.) What on earth would be the gain of making the film less appealing to both of these demographics?
1: if you are not familiar with Superman's second (and current) origin story, he comes from a solar system with a red sun. When exposed to our completely different yellow sun, he gains amazing powers such as super strength, super speed, flight, heat vision, cold breath, some sort of strange energy weapon taking the form of the S on his chest that he can throw at bad guys3, or whatever else they feel like making him do on any given day.
2: this film was greenlit largely based on the popularity of the WB's popular show Smallville, which is arguably the gayest show on television. What? You don't believe me? I'll give you a quick plot summary in the unlikely event that you don't watch this show (and seriously, you must be watching it, because it is still on the air.)
Clark is a teenager like any other teenager growing up on a farm in Kansas save for one tiny little difference. See, Clark has a secret that prevents him from being himself in front of his peers, from maintaining relationships with the girls that love him, and from admitting he is the way that he is.
What is stopping him from fessing up? The fear of being outcast and ostracised for his what makes him different, fear of being called a freak and ultimately, fear of being feared by people that used to respect him.
Clark has serious troubles with the ladies. No matter how great the woman, every girl he has gotten involved with has ended up giving up on him because when it comes down to it, he just isn't capable of feeling the same way about them as they do about him, and he's not sure why. He can't open up to them about the fear he has tearing him apart inside or the emotions that drive him.
Then there's the hunky billionaire, Lex Luthor. Lex is an older, richer and incredibly fashionable man who happens to be built like a Calvin Klein underwear model. Lex is never, ever seen not wearing purple and has very expensive taste in clothing, cars and art. He harbors a dislike of women and has been known to physically abuse them, due in part to his father's blaming him for his mother's death when he was but a boy. His father never showed him any affection as a boy, thus leaving a gaping hole in his heart that can only be filled by the approval of a man.
Lex also has a wholly unhealthy fixation on Clark, bordering on obsession.
Lex's affection for Clark causes him to constantly lavish him with gifts. Any time Clark is in any trouble, Lex is there to give him some money to help solve his problems, pay for some medical bills, or simply let him come stay in his mansion whenever he needs some time away from his overcontrolling parents.
Clark is somewhat confused about Lex and the uncontrollable pull Lex's affections have on him. Time and time again, Lex betrays Clark's trust, but at the end of the day Clark is always willing to try to change Lex into the man he wishes, hell, knows he could be. Clark's parents on the otherhand don't like Lex, being generally distrustful of his status flaunting nature. This eats Clark up inside, making him wish they could just see the man he sees when he looks into those wonderful hazel eyes, not knowing (as we do) that soon they will become bitter rivals, clamboring for the affections of the entire nation.
See what I mean?
3: Seriously Warner Bros., what the fuck is up with that chest logo weapon? Brett Ratner, is that your fault? I'll bet you're going to blame it on Christopher Reeve now that he's dead, but I would appreciate it if you'd fess up. Thanks.
The author lives in Vancouver, Washington, USA with his girlfriend and a menagerie of cats, rats, fish, birds, guinea pigs and robots.
Among other inanities, he strives to use investigative techniques to work young starlet breasts into every aspect of rational discourse -- focusing on the discourse, thus making it not perverted. Also, has recently begun a career as "Internet hairstylist."
He can be contacted via email and Jabber IM at 'email@example.com'. He likes to be contacted.
(All press inquiries, however, ought be directed towards the author's agent, Alistair Hoel, via email to firstname.lastname@example.org.)