While I’m on the subject of Heinz, I’m curious what the deal with Heinz Mustard is. As far as yellow mustards go, Heinz is simply the best. Sure French’s says right on their bottle that they’re the best, but I have to disagree.

What’s odd is how much Heinz has dominated the ketchup market, yet they’ve barely dented the mustard market. I challenge you to go buy a squeeze bottle of Heinz yellow mustard. I’ll wait.

Back now? You weren’t able to do it, were you? It is simply impossible to find Heinz yellow mustard in today’s modern megamarts (I’ll save my ranting on megamarts for another day). I’m only able to acquire it at my neighborhood mustardmonger, but his business hours get fewer and fewer as his customers get drawn away by the relative proximity of mustards and ketchups in the megamart.

Gone are the days of visiting the mustardmonger and the ketchuppery to take delivery of their wares — arg, sorry, I almost got sucked into the anti-megamart rant after all, but I digress.

It must be all the energy that Heinz has to expend tracking down ketchup forgers and unscrupulous bait-and-sandwitchers that is preventing them from dominating the mustard market. Afterall, it sure isn’t because of an inferior product; as I’ve previously stated, Heinz is the best.

My plan of ketchup consolidation might possibly give Heinz the boost it needs to surpass French’s and claim their rightful yellow throne. Let’s all do what’s best for America and unite our ketchups and mustards under Heinz’s bountiful umbrella. Your mustardmonger and ketchuppery will thank you — shelf space and freight are expensive after all.

Defined tags for this entry: Heinz, ketchup, mustard, rants