UPDATED: see down below.

I just did something I’ve been wanting to do for years, and boy does it feel good.

Dear Heinz,

I am of the opinion that there is nothing finer on God’s green Earth than Heinz ketchup. The flavor, the texture, the shape of the bottle, even the fonts you use are the ultimate expression of love given to a plate of french fries. There is one problem however: many restaurants brazenly ignore the words of warning on the label of your beautiful bottles, deeming to refill them — often with ketchup that is not even Heinz, but some inferior (and thus less costly) specimen.

The best case scenario is that they have in fact refilled the bottle with actual Heinz; this causes a problem that I’m sure you are aware of: air being trapped beneath the new layer of ketchup causes fermentation that destroys the subtle balance of flavors within your wonderous condimental masterpiece, thus completely putting me off my fries.

Worst case scenario is that exactly the same thing happens, only Heinz ketchup is taken out of the loop entirely. The only thing worse than slightly fermented Heinz ketchup is slightly fermented inferior ketchup in a Heinz bottle. This causes your beautiful bottles to be used as a decoy to the unsuspecting customer; after all, if it looks like the best ketchup on Earth, SURELY it must taste like it too, right? Sadly, a large part of the population is simply unable to tell the difference. You and I know better, no?

These problems have plagued me for years, in many cases causing me to pick restaurants based on my prior observations of the ketchup status at each establishment. Let me tell you, I notice EVERYTHING in regards to ketchup; I can tell whether a bottle has been refilled without even needing to taste it, simply handling the bottle is all that’s required. In addition, I can spot the tell-tale indicators of how many times the bottle has been refilled (some restaurants only allow 3 refills, making a small Sharpie mark in an inconspicuous location on the label for each refilling.)

This is a problem I just can’t bear any longer. I feel that this gross misuse of the Heinz name has to be stopped; I don’t think I can take the colossal disappointment of dipping my fries into another watery pool of bad ketchup. I’ve tried handling the situation myself, confronting both wait-staff and management alike, but as an ordinary citizen I just don’t have any power or sway with them.

This brings me to the point of my letter: I’m writing to ask that you deputize me as an Official Heinz Quality Inspector, someone who not only has the power and sway to have the restaurant’s Heinz privelleges revoked (after all, using Heinz bottles is a privellege, not a right), but the badge to back it up as well. Imagine the surprise of the nefarious ketchup tainters as I leap to my feet and flip open my billfold Elliot Ness style, exposing my intent and ability to stop them in their tracks, demanding to be taken to their ketchup stores so that they may be confiscated.

Remember when Elliot took down the moonshiners, splitting open kegs with picks, allowing the booze to run into the gutters? Let me tell you, the streets will run red when I’m through with them.

They’ll never see it coming.

I’d be happy to provide you with a current photo to affix to my Official Heinz Quality Inspector badge if you require one. Having never actually seen such a badge, I don’t know if the gold embossed ketchup bottle speaks for itself, or if it requires some sort of laminated identification area as well. I’m guessing it’s a bit of both.

The address you should send the badge to is:

Alistair Hoel
12712 ne 39th st
Vancouver, WA 98682

I thank you in advance for your prompt reply, as this issue is of utmost importance to me. Undoubtedly to you as well. I look forward to working with you, as I have some interesting ideas about how best to deal with Hunts, and also some ideas for using your ketchup supremecy to help leverage your fine Heinz Yellow Mustard against French’s inferior offering. They may be America’s favorite yellow mustard, but only because of the lack of awareness of Heinz Yellow Mustard. After all, what’s more American: Heinz, or FRENCH’S?

Sincerely,
Alistair Hoel, Heinz ketchup afficianado. (That’s Italian for “guy who really likes ketchup.”)

UPDATE: Heinz responds, and I give them a call.

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