On the way to work the other day I stopped at a convenience store to pick up a couple bottles each of Vault and water. Inexplicably, the 20oz bottles of Vault were $0.59, while same-sized bottles of water were a whopping $0.89, which is at least $0.10 more each. This seemed really strange to me, considering that Vault is like 95% water, meaning that at the very least, it should be 95% of the cost of the pure water, plus the cost of the remaining 5% ingredients.

The only explanation I can come up with is that somehow, the remaining 5% of Vault’s ingredients actually incur a negative cost, making it cheaper in the long run.

As strange as this seems, it does actually explain all the unpronounceable mystery ingredients present in everything you buy; my guess is someone^* is paying companies to include them. Imagine how much money an enterprising individual could make marketing a beverage that contains only those negative cost ingredients. They’d be rich for sure.

Keep your eyes peeled for new Alistair Hoel^®‘s brand Sodium Benzoate and Erythorbic Acid Coolers^™, in both Potassium Citrate and Carob Bean Gum flavored varieties.