Saturday night marked the debut of the latest of the SciFi Channel Original movies, entitled Alien Apocalypse.
One part Planet of the Apes, one part Wizard of Oz and a healthy dose of Battlefield Earth is the easiest way to describe it.
Bruce Campbell stars alongside a crew of expendable minorities who die in the first 5 minutes, about 50 different people in tattered clothes with bad facial hair and horrible overdubbing and a handfull of cheesy computer animated alien termites referred to as 'Mites. I assume the audio was completely shot because every line was overdubbed. Everyone that wasn't Bruce was seemingly dubbed by the same person - just slight variations of different "voices" and accents to throw off the viewer, Muppet style.
Read on for a full synopsis with lots of pictures.
The movie starts as some sort of landing craft crashes to earth.
Bruce and his surviving crewmembers survey the landscape of Earth, 40 years after they left on an important Probe Mission.
After Bruce sums up his plan to make craploads of money as "The Great Healer" due to a shortage of real doctors here on Earth, they notice what's left of Portland, Or. "Isn't Portland supposed to be in the middle of the woods?"
Soon they encounter a chain-gang, much like the one Bruce encountered in Army of Darkness. Upsetting the scales of cheesy horror movie etiquette, Asian Crewmember is the first of the minorities to die, seemingly because she can't keep up with her broken leg.
The remaining crew is transported to one of the Sawmills, one of many lumber facilities staffed by human slaves.
After explaining that they've been in space for 40 years, the crew is taken to a "hive" to meet their captors. "Should we take them to the 'Mites?" "Sure, they won't bite our heads off for that."
Here we see several of the 'Mites who are running the show. They explain that they are harvesting wood - a great delicacy - to ship back to their home planet.
All humans work as slaves until they are unable to work any longer, at that point they will be dead.
Black Crewmember argues that they can't treat humans like this, they must be stopped. In one of the most spectacular scenes of the movie, the leader 'Mite shows Black Crewmember another delicacy on the 'Mite homeworld - human heads.
After a long day of working in the lumber yard - 3 men to a 2x4, quite a tiring job indeed - the slaves tell Bruce of The President and his Secret Fighting Force he has been assembling for 20 years.
It seems that The President and Congress went into hiding until which point they could defeat the alien invaders.
After some time, Bruce gets his chance in the lumberyard and kills one of the 'Mites with a drill bit.
After escaping along with a young slave, he gets cornered atop a large cliff. Him and the slave evade the guards by falling to their "deaths".
Bruce and his lone companion soon encounter a beautiful blonde woman. They explain that they are "Off to see the President, the wonderful President of the USA", and she decides to accompany them. Soon, the band of 3 encounters a young man who has been wounded by human guards. Bruce shows off his abilities as "The Great Healer" and removes a bullet from the young man. Here he is tasting the "potato liquor" which he used as an anesthetic. "Smoooth."
Later in the evening, around another campfire, Bruce tells them of his lifelong dream to be a doctor like he watched on tv as a kid. Sadly, his grades weren't good enough, so he had to become an osteopath instead. Naturally, this lead him into the space program. It seems all the real doctors didn't want to miss out on all the money from treating patients for 40 years, so Bruce volunteered. His gamble was that in the future there would be less doctors, and he could make his fortune charging inflated rates due to the demand. "But noooooo."
After meeting some more people along the way, Bruce finally gets to the President. Sadly, there is no Secret Fighting Force. The president isn't interested in starting one either. Bruce decides it will be up to him and his band of merry men.
After regrouping, Bruce and his army are ready to attack the Sawmill and free Blonde Crewmember, who he has apparantly fallen in love with. Here he leads the charge with a sword he apparantly "found somewhere."
The battle rages on. The aliens send in reinforcments, and the outcome looks bleak until The President and his Fighting Force show up and save the day. Eventually all the aliens are defeated and Bruce lies prone among the alien carcasses.
OK, so he isn't dead, just very very tired.
Bruce explains to The President that tomorrow they will attack another Sawmill, and then they all march off over a grass covered hill. For some unknown reason, Bruce's head is superimposed showing a very animated rendition of his "Oh face". It looks very much like he is enjoying the brunt of a full on alien bukkake assault.
Fade to black.
Overall, a very entertaining movie. Following the formula that SciFi has outlined seems to really work. This was even better than ManSquito, and I have high hopes for the next SciFi Original movie, which apparantly involves snakes.
The author lives in Vancouver, Washington, USA with his girlfriend and a menagerie of cats, rats, fish, birds, guinea pigs and robots.
Among other inanities, he strives to use investigative techniques to work young starlet breasts into every aspect of rational discourse -- focusing on the discourse, thus making it not perverted. Also, has recently begun a career as "Internet hairstylist."
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