I try not to get too vested in issues of any real consequence here, but I’ve just discovered an overlooked contributor to the temperature increase scientists have been seeing in the world’s oceans, and I want to share. Please bear with me.

Cow flatulence has long been considered a contributor to the overall rise in temperature of the planet, and it’s been assumed that the oceans have been warming as a result of this outside influence. I’ve discovered that this simply isn’t the case.  See, the most noticeable impact on the planet due to the warming of the ocean is seen at the poles; by now pretty much everyone has seen the footage of polar bears trying to deal with the thinning ice and shrinking habitats due to melting. I submit that the poles aren’t just an indicator of the warming temperature; they’re also the root cause. I ask you this: aside from the salmon, seals, penguins and smelt, what is the dominant living species at each of the poles (at least until they all drown to death, anyway)? Polar bears.

The diet of the polar bear consists almost entirely of Omega-fatty-acid-rich sea creatures such as salmon, seals, penguins, smelt etc. These fats are easy for the body to convert to the stored energy these bears need to regularly expend, but result in high levels of unusable gases that the body must then deal with. Also, because most of the fresh water is trapped in ice form, polar bears apparently get most of their moisture from the condensation on the outside of all their Coca-Cola bottles. It is unknown whether it is the Coca-Cola they’re enjoying or just the trace amounts of fresh water dripping off the bottles, but as you can see from the above-linked polar bear documentary clip, they seem to be drinking loads of the stuff. As anyone who eats lots of sushi and cola can tell you, this results in high levels of gas output in the form of flatulence.

Because polar bears are acutely aware of their status in the community, they hold their flatus in until which time their friends won’t be able to smell it. (If you think “he who smelt it dealt it” jokes are bad, imagine what it’s like when smelt is actually a major part of your diet. That joke gets old REAL fast-like.) The most inconspicuous place to release this stored flatus is in the ocean while hunting for food. However, this inconspicuosity comes at a pretty hefty price. As anyone who has released flatulence in a pool knows, you can feel the warmth in the water around you. So can the ice. And then it melts.

While it’s sad that there’s nothing we can do about this tragedy, we can take heart that once the polar bears’ pride drives them to extinction, the ocean temperatures will surely return to normal.

In the meantime, I suggest we just try not to think about them, as it’s quite depressing all around.

Defined tags for this entry: climate change, extinction, flatulence, global warming, polar bears