Phil points out a problem with the plan to launch Star Trek star "Scotty's" ashes into space -- namely that he won't get high enough to avoid earth's gravity¹.

Cant get high enough, eh? I say let Keith Richards snort him with some blow. That ought to do it.

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1: They're givin' 'im all they've go', but they jus canno' DOO it!

Do you remember the self-help book I put out a few years back? Well it's in a brand new printing, so I figure it's time to plug it again.

Do you ever wish you could spend your day frolicking about without ever worrying about a thing? Do you wish sex was less relationship-driven and more of a recreational activity? Do you wish you could do a double back flip, and kill sharks with only your nose?

This best-selling motivational book has helped millions lead the fulfilling lives they always wished they could, and now with the new chapter on whistle-based communication, you can do all that and help get ideas across to others in a more efficient manner.

Like Gary, I too frequently invent awesome things, only to discover later that someone has beaten me to the punch.

Some of my more notable past inventions include the snappy-bracelet-wristwatch, shoes that you can "pump up," toy lightsabers¹ that retract fully into the handles and spring out, the Internet² (damn you Al Gore!), and many others that I can't recall now.

The one that made me think of this today is the heating-element-blender, which would allow you to blend and cook all in one step. Soup couldn't possibly get any easier. Anyway, I was describing this invention when someone piped in that they had seen that very thing being demonstrated at Costco last weekend. I have no idea how someone managed to produce my product in the 2 minutes it took to describe it to someone, but I suspect it has something to do with the time machine I'm currently inventing.

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1: This was in fact before I knew the word "lightsaber." I didn't see Star Wars until 1989 or so, but invented toy swords that were just handles until which time as you push a button and the blade telescopes out at some point way prior to that. I do recall seeing toy lightabers back then, but they were just flashlights with long detachable colored tubes. Lame.

2: I just threw this one in to make an Al Gore joke, in complete disregard of the fact that Al Gore really was instrumental in the creation of the Internet.

Shawn P. from Ohio dropped me a line yesterday, letting me know that some "wacky radio deejays (boing!)" in Columbus are implementing my Toys for Tatas idea:

It's put on by a local radio station, and from my understanding you drive into this heated tent and give the girls a gift (for needy families) and then they all show you their - ahem - "tatas", because you can say that on the air.

http://www.qfm96.com/sections/other/events/toys4tatas06.asp

Apparently this chain of strip clubs called Rick's Cabaret does something by the same name.

It is unclear at this time whether they came about this idea legitimately, or blatantly stole it from me. I don't think I need to tell you which I think it is.

Hopefully next year I'll remember the idea so I can get a jump on trying to set something up before the hustle and bustle of crazy people really crazy people completely saps my desire to expend any kind of effort.

Remember in the Bible when Abraham, Noah, and Job rounded up two of every Philistine family and led them into the desert to starve to death, only to have been thwarted by "Mana" literally falling out of the sky to keep them alive? Historians and theologians alike have long speculated as to just what that Mana might have been, and whether there's a natural explanation as well as a supernatural one.

I do believe I have that answer: Mana is Fiddle Faddle™, and it is most certainly supernatural in origin.

Something this freakin' good can only have come from Heaven. And the fact that it's currently "buy one, get one free" at the local grocery is todays equivalent of it dropping out of the sky.

Waking up to email from Belinda about holidays, gifts for kids in bad situations, and charities that can make an impact on the world apparently caused my brain to think of something magical during Jer's Thinking Time in the Shower™.

I only have a minute, so I'll just lay out the basis for my idea so that you might give me some input to help form the rest of it.

My idea is..... Toys for Tits.

Iwant to try talking some of the fancier "gentlemen's clubs" in the Portland, OR area into doing some kind of toy drive for needy kids this holiday season. Perhaps offering discounted admission or lap dances in exchange for gift donations or something. Like I said, I haven't really... fleshed... out the idea yet -- basically I got to "Toys for Tits" and then began to think about tits... you know how it is.

I was also thinking "Toys for TaTas", since that name could actually be said on the evening news...

Anyway: thoughts? Has some other genius already come up with this and I just don't know about it due to not frequenting that sort of establishment (more than a couple times a month anway. OK -- fine. A week.)?

All this "Peak Oil" hoopla lately has once again got me thinking a lot about alternate fuel sources. Whether or not civilization as we know it is about to radically shift, using less of our non-renewable resources just seems like a good idea, so I've been racking my brain to come up with viable alternatives.

Last June (on my birthday, apparently) I posted my first idea for a renewable fuel source, but it alone wasn't enough to make much of a dent and thus didn't get the attention I feel it deserved. I still stand by the idea -- I just feel it needs to be supplemented with additional renewable sources.

With that in mind, I'm now about to rock the world by combining three existing renewable fuel technologies into one super hybrid, using only one readily available renewable resource.

The main source of this hybrid power scheme is an extremely prevalent substance found nearly everywhere humans are present, one which we take great pains to eliminate from our daily lives. Yes, I'm talking about excrement -- or "poop," if scientific terms aren't your cup of tea.

"Sure," you might say, "there are people already generating methane from animal excrement and people generating steam power -- and, by extension, electricity -- from burning dried animal waste, so what's so 'world-rocking?'"

Well, my new technique allows for ethanol extraction as well as the aforementioned steam and methane. To see how wonderful a fuel source ethanol is, one needs only to take a look at the readily available, attractively priced fuel in Brazil.

Sure, opponents of ethanol-as-fuel tout the fact that even if we used all the corn we currently eat -- and therefore would no longer be able to consume -- for fuel production, we wouldn't be able to power all our cars. That's very true; growing additional corn would actually have a negative impact on the problem.

However, I've overcome this hurdle; my plan requires no additional corn to be grown, nor a reduction in the amount we eat. Wondering where the ethanol is coming from? Well, my new process extracts all the undigested kernels of corn you see nestled in your excrement for ethanol processing, allowing us to generate ethanol from it after we have eaten it.

Sure, your excrement alone might not have much impact, but imagine if it was mixed in with that of all the people in your town. All that poop would have quite an impact indeed. With only minor changes to our municipal sewage treatment plants, we'd be able to start generating methane, steam-powered electricity, and ethanol from our excrement.

Rather than simply flushing this valuable resource into our nation's rivers, we could be generating surplus energy to supplement my already proposed reclamation system to push us even closer to total independence from petroleum.

Come on, America; let's "get our shit together" while we still can.

Unconventional Metamucil^™ use #321: if you have a nose that just won't stop running, simply snort a couple lines of Metamucil^™, and you'll be good for 4 hours.

Are you as disappointed as I am that Ben & Jerry's "Chunky Monkey" never actually contained bits of monkey?

Perhaps then you'll be as thrilled as I was to see new "Chunky Monkey: Rhesus Pieces" pints, available now in your grocer's freezer section.

NOTE: When I wrote the above gag nearly a week ago, it cracked me up considerably. I congratulated myself on my hilarity. Then I started to feel as if I had actually heard this before, from one of you, but I've been unable to find it. So... If it was you who actually originated this gag, please let me know so that I can give credit where it's due. I don't want to steal other people's jokes.

I hate ordering things online. Waiting for tracking information and wondering when my shipment will arrive wreaks havoc with what little bit of patience I can claim to have -- which is less and less as anxiety takes its toll on me. I generally just wait until I can pick up whatever it is that I want at some physical location -- at a higher price, naturally.

Sure, this just puts the thing in my hands considerably later than if I had just ordered it and waited for its arrival in the first place, but my brain doesn't seem to understand that distinction.

What I'd like to see is a "surprise ordering" service where I can: create a wishlist of things I plan to purchase at some point, set a maximum (and minimum) monthly spending limit, and input my credit card information. This service would then periodically order things for me -- without telling me about it -- so that when a package arrives, I won't have been expecting it, getting all anxious.

Anyone feel like making this system for me? If so, just make sure you don't tell me about it until it is functional....

Thinking about the cost of purchasing water yesterday got my mind heading into directions it hasn't gone before. Like a cartoon lightbulb blinking alight above my head, an idea suddenly illuminated the dark empty parts of my brain as things suddenly became clear. (There are lots of those empty places, and they require lots of light, so this doesn't happen very frequently.)

Here was what my idea sounded like:

"I bet if there were some way to remove shipping costs from the equation -- like, for instance, with a network of pressurized tubes running to each home -- it would be possible to get the cost of water much, much lower than $0.89 for 20 ounces, while completely eliminating the need to lug heavy cases of water from the grocery store.

In addition to a lower cost, the 'cool factor' of having a receptacle that dispenses 20oz bottles of water from your sink would be a real benefit. I mean, it's not like the sink is doing anything for me now. How come nobody has thought of this before?"

At first I was thinking that using air to move the bottles along the pipes would be the way to go (you've seen this system in action at your bank's drive-thru), but the more I thought about it, I decided that water might be a more efficient medium to move the bottles from place to place.

I'm not sure who to talk to to get this to happen, but I think a network of pressurized, water-filled tubes to whoosh bottles of water from place to place really needs to become reality, if only to help those of us with bad backs drink more while suffering less pain.

Hey! Now that I think about it, I think there are currently pressurized water-filled tubes running to my house that are sitting there unused! That seems like a good place to start, so I'm going to call around to see who is in charge of them and what would be involved in modifying them.

I recently had an idea for a new reality show, because as I'm sure you know, I think there needs to be more of them. Anyway, my idea combines some of the best elements of all the best reality shows¹ we've yet seen. First off, it invrsolves calling in to vote, replacing an icon, and being really mean to contestants.

The working title for this reality show is The Bat-chelor, and on it we will see a panel of evil masterminds (including Simon Cowell) eventually choose the new face of Batman -- with a little help from America of course. Categories of competition will include: bantering, kicking ass, filling out a rubber suit, throwing one-liners and of course, dancing the Batoosy.

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1: I am of course surmising these elements from things I have heard; I have not actually watched a single second of reality television, nor do I have any plans to start.

As an adult male raised both in the relatively puritanical United States and by Hollywood, I find myself thinking frequently of breasts.

(I must say, it's quite tempting to just stop there, but I do have a point so I guess I'll soldier on.)

Anyway, the other day I was thinking of breasts and came up with an ingenius idea that I hope will make me lots and lots of money.

So what's the problem with breast implants? I'd say it's the invasive and destructive method of insertion; you've got this big object outside the breast that you want to move inside the breast, so there's going to be scarring and pain and recovery time. Oh and everyone will notice that yesterday your boobs were much smaller.

So my idea came about by thinking of Luxy, an elderly rat who has a large mammary tumor. She looked for a while very much like she just suddenly sprouted a Dolly Parton sized boob on one side which had a very natural look and feel.

So my idea is to intentionally cultivate a tumor at a precise location inside of any breasts you want to make bigger; this will allow the breasts to grow "naturally" over time and not require any surgery. Worst case scenario is an injection of a "starter" cell, best case would just be some sort of "Boob Enhancing Ray" that gets waved over the boobs in question.

The only part I haven't been able to figure out yet is how to get them to stop growing. Really though, once you decide you want bigger boobs, do you really think you're going to suddenly be happy with them? No, I think people who get implants want progressively larger ones over time, so this will just save everyone a load of hassle.

At first I was doubtful whether anyone would intentionally put something scary and harmful into their body just to "improve" their appearance, but then I remembered that millions of surprised looking people use Botox. Once you've injected deadly food poisoning into your face, what's a little cancer in your boobs?

Today Travis came up with an ingenius idea: to avoid all that hassle of wiping after doing a #2, simply eat some toilet paper after every meal. He suggests dipping it in nice cool water so that when it comes time to do its job, it will be moist and cool.

While perusing my pre-nyquil.org past over on livejournal, I stumbled across this gem from December 2004. Those of you who've seen it, sorry for the dupe.

Here's info on my latest invention, which will really help out the women of tomorrow.

Imagine an alarmclock, but with the noisemaker part inside your pillow...

Your alarm will no longer have to wake your wife, who you make stay at home since that's a womans proper place. Imagine how much higher quality your dinner will be when you get home to find it already made for you; a well rested cook is a better cook. Imagine how much more energy there will be for cleaning, mowing the lawn and providing sex whenever you demand it.

Alternatively, if you would prefer she go to work rather than you, then simply put it in her pillow. Now it's you not being disturbed -- not until she gets home and starts banging around pots and pans to cook you dinner anyway.

Defined tags for this entry: alarm clock, inventions, pillow