As your lawyer, I recommend that you DON’T watch the trailer for My Name is Bruce, the Bruce Campbell movie I’ve had two years to imagine in my mind.  The one in my head is AMAZING but the real life one looks really awful.  I’m really disappointed; I just hope I can save you the same fate.

If, like me, you were somewhat disheartened a couple years back at what might have been re: Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash, it may please you to know that it will be given a new life in paper form: FREDDY VS JASON VS ASH Hitting Comics Soon. (Warning, contains minor spoilers for this comic, but also a major one for the comic [and presumably the film] Watchmen.) Short spoiler-free summary: It was ALMOST a movie, but now that it’s not, they’ve decided to make it into a comic miniseries. Exactly like the movie would have been. Except with more paper cuts.

I read the treatment for the movie version a couple years back and must say that there was some clever stuff in it. Some stupid stuff as well, but nothing worse than what’s already in Freddy Vs. Jason. If you want to spoil the comics for yourself (the six-issue run is supposed to be based almost verbatim on the original film treatment) you can find the treatment here.

In other news, My Name is Bruce is on track to rock all our socks off later this year. I’d describe it, but the previous link does a much better job than I could.

Lastly, (and kicking off all this Evil Dead/Bruce Campbell talk from me) Richard Crawford suggests that we force Bruce Campbell to run for president. I think if we slap an “I’m Bruce Campbell, and I approve this message” on this fine Old Spice campaign ad that it’ll help get the rest of America on board. Who can argue with the platform Bruce is stumping for in that spot?

Dear Mr. Progresso, Marie Calendar, Wolfgang Puck, Bruce Campbell, Emeril (and Andre¹) Agasse, and all the other soup manufacturers,

I like chicken soup. A lot.

The most convenient form of chicken soup for me is, more often than not, from one of your vibrantly-labeled cans.

While you’ve made quite a few advances in canned soup technology in the last few years, (pop-top rings are awesome!) one of the biggest problems still remains to be solved: the chicken in your soup sucks. Dry, chewy, flavorless zombie chunks mingle with the tasty vegetables and flavorful broth, essentially ruining an otherwise delightful soup. More distressingly, this is leaving our nation’s bountiful chicken flocks depressed at the thought of giving their lives for this terrible purpose.

See, chicken soup is only good for the consumer’s soul if all the chickens are contributing their souls to the soup. This can’t happen if they feel the inherent purposeless in living only to contribute zombie chunks to otherwise-tasty soups. Those clinical trials you’ve been running? The ones that are not returning the “good-for-your-soul” data that you expect them to? You aren’t getting quantifiable results because you are eradicating their flavorful life-essences before they get a chance to even become part of the soup.

My suggestion? Skip the zombie chicken, instead putting in more vegetables and a more-flavorful chickeny broth. Vegetables and better broth are bound to be less expensive than whatever magicks the zombification process entails, leaving you with a cheaper, more pleasant soup. And chickens without the soul-draining ennui that keeps your soup from being verifiably “good for the soul.”

If you could please let me know when these changes have been made so that I can start buying your soups again, I’d much appreciate it.

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1: I’m inferring the involvement of Andre based on the perfectly square chunks of potatos present in most of these soups. What besides a swift, forceful BAM! with a tennis racket could create such chunks?

You know what really pisses me off? Situations like this:

Kevin Smith says for months how everyone is going to be impressed and surprised at the results of his new film Jersey Girl, says it’s his best work to date. It finally comes out and the critics pan it and many of the fanboys hate on it online. The general consensus: it sucks. Months pass and I finally bring myself to watch it, and find that it is indeed surprising, impressing and Kevin’s best work to date. Yet even he says that it sucks when talking about it, blaming it on J-Lo, poor marketing, and the too large budget (despite previously saying how great it was.)

Way to go Kevin, you just keep listening to your critics and agree with them whatever they say. In the meantime, I’m still going to love Jersey Girl, I’ll just think you’re a big fucking tool.

This goes for you too, Bruce Campbell.

Saturday night marked the debut of the latest of the SciFi Channel Original movies, entitled Alien Apocalypse.

One part Planet of the Apes, one part Wizard of Oz and a healthy dose of Battlefield Earth is the easiest way to describe it.

Bruce Campbell stars alongside a crew of expendable minorities who die in the first 5 minutes, about 50 different people in tattered clothes with bad facial hair and horrible overdubbing and a handfull of cheesy computer animated alien termites referred to as ‘Mites. I assume the audio was completely shot because every line was overdubbed. Everyone that wasn’t Bruce was seemingly dubbed by the same person – just slight variations of different “voices” and accents to throw off the viewer, Muppet style.

Read on for a full synopsis with lots of pictures.