Our USPS mail carrier sucks. We can put mail in the box, put up the flag and check every so often to see if the flag is still up. Because if the flag is still up it means they haven't come yet, right? Well our mail carrier never puts the flag down.
Today not only did she not put the flag down, but all the incoming mail just pushed all the outgoing mail to the very back of the box.
The USPS notified us on saturday that since we are new occupants in the house we bought that this is as good a time as any for them to "upgrade" the neighborhood with streetside mailboxes. Our house is in an older neighborhood where it is common to see those old style mailboxes that are attached to the house, where the postmen of yore would come up and lift the hinge and drop in the mail, while carefully stepping over the glass bottles the milkman left, trying not to slip on the large block of ice from the icehouse.
So, in an effort to save the USPS $55 dollars a year1, we are now expected to furnish our own mailbox and install it at the curb, during which time they will conveniently hold all our mail hostage until it is done. I want to just call their bluff and say fuck it and not install one, but D isn't quite as prepared as I am to abandon the Postal Service. I swear, all I ever get in the mail is advertisement packets, so it'd be no loss for me.
So now I'm thinking of sculpting up a novelty mailbox. Afterall, if I have to save them $55 a year, I can at least do it in style, right?
Here's what I was thinking:
The pants would be hinged so it can open and close, but I was too lazy to make it animate. Thoughts?
1: I'm not sure how they come up with that $55 a year figure. I mean, if we round it down to $52 a year, that'd be a dollar a week. Considering the mail is delivered on 6 days of the week, that's $0.16 a day. Considering it would take at most a minute to get out of the jeep, walk the 8 feet to our box and back, that $0.16 means they'd be making $10 an hour. Does that seem about right? Do they even get paid hourly? I kind of doubt it.
On this December 26th, I want to wish all of you and yours a Merry Christmas!
"But wait," you say, "surely the made-up1 birthday of Jesus is on December 25th, not December 26th?"
Well, as anyone who has eagerly run out to check the mailbox for the first issue of Some Funnily Embarrassing Magazine I Got Given A Subscription Of For Christmas can tell you, the mail is not being delivered today. A quick check of The USPS Calendar will tell you that this year, Christmas Day is on December 26th, so your Christmas subscription will have to wait another day2.
1) As I have been told my entire life that there is "historical evidence" which corroborates the Bibles already historically accurate opinion that Jesus Christ was an actual person, it seems one could simply look up the actual date of Christ's birth, thus doing away with this whole President's Day style made-up holiday3.
2) Imagine my surprise to learn that magazine subscriptions take 4-6 weeks of processing before delivery of the first issue. I guess that's understandable, but the extra day the USPS is tacking on is ridiculous.
3) If anyone were to ask me, which they never do, I would tell them that I think Christmas might work better as a "floating holiday", one which, for example, might always take place on the last Sunday in December4. Since everyone agrees that the actual date is a made-up one anyway, this would make a lot more sense than just letting Church-and-State-separated government bodies who wish to celebrate this particular religious holiday anyway go changing the date willy-nilly5.
4) Of course, this would be counter to the efforts early Christians made to "embrace and extend" the holiday that was observed prior to the acceptance of Christianity, and thus "Anti-Christian", so I don't see that happening any time soon.
5) Did you know that "willy-nilly" doesn't mean what you think it means? Look it up to see whether I've used it correctly or not6.
6) Boy do I love a good nested footnote. I think this is a new record for footnote nesting on my part, getting me one step closer to the convoluted footnoting in the excellent book House of Leaves, which is amazing in the level of twisty writing Mark Z. Danielewski7 employed during its writing.