Like most geeks, I have some sort of strange affinity for Natalie Portman that I am unable to explain. Despite the crappy roles she often lands (see, for instance Star Wars Episodes 1-3), she never seems to lose her fascination for me. From her role in Luc Besson’s The Professional, to the slashdot “hot grits” days, to shaving her head (and actually becoming sexier in the process), Natalie has made a large impact on most of my adult life. The icing on the cake is her collaboration with those Lonely Island boys over at SNL, which somehow just made her that much cooler to me.

I’ve tried to analyze just what it is that makes her cool, and in the process have come up with a theory. I could just tell you my theory, but I feel that it would best be explained with a diagram:

Click for high-res, suitable for selling on your CafePress store)

It seems as if Charlotte Church and Wilford Brimley brought along a guest on their recent trip to an unnamed beach. Based on photographic evidence, that guest appears to be Natalie Portman. This photograph, which was taken with the disposable camera Wilford Brimley brought along to document his adventures with Charlotte and Natalie, was given to me by a source that wishes to be unnamed. “Anonymity is the right thing to do,” was my sources only reply to my request for permission to name him.

Click to Enlarge

It is unknown whether Natalie was introduced to Wilford by Charlotte, or to Charlotte by Wilford, but one thing is certain: the trio were nearly inseparable throughout the course of the long weekend. Much time was spent in the cabin the three shared, while Cabana boys reported demands for pot after pot of boiling water to be brought to them. The only clue as to the use of the boiling water is perhaps the box of “hot grits” (manufactured by the company Wilford gained most of his public notoriety being the spokesman for) being held by Charlotte as Wilford snapped this photo.

UPDATE: Has Wilford sewn his oats even further?

UPDATE AGAIN: Holy moly! Wilford seems to be crankin’ out baby-mammas like they’re going out of style!

I noticed when looking at logs that my traffic has gone through the roof for the last couple days. It seems my plan to thwart all the Natalie Portman linkers has completely failed, as natalieportman.com is now linking to me. At least they’re decent enough to link to the actual post and not just the image ;)

Also, the day after I changed that image, Google “coincidentally” cleaned out all the “natalie portman bald“image search results, including mine. Last I looked there were only 3 results, none of which depicted her being bald.

I need a little help.

See, this picture of Natalie Portman’s bald head has accounted for over 32% of all my traffic in the last week. I don’t want to disable the ability for people to link directly to the things I post, but I have to say that this irks me just a tad. It isn’t even a good picture! I posted a much better one, they should be linking to that.

In any case, I’ve decided to replace that image with something hilarious that might make viewers question the morality of the person posting the image. Any suggestions? I’m currently leaning towards this:

but I’d love to see what anyone else suggests.

UPDATE: Hello NataliePortman.com visitors!

Considering that at least 11% of my traffic every month is from people direct linking to that picture of Natalie Portman’s bald head, I feel that it is in my best interest to post a picture of her new mohawk.

Clicking that link will take you to the source, where some more (but not any better) pictures can be found.