(Please excuse the shoddy workmanship. I spent FOREVER trying to get the Transformer bits to "bulge" out of the jacket, ultimately painting it all by hand with my trackball. Robot bulgy bits are HARD. By the time I got it halfway bulgy I just didn't have the heart anymore for the boring "make it not look like ass" part. I'm pretty pleased with how I was able to "pose" Optimus, but saddened that you can't really tell after I covered him all up and painted all over him. Optimus source. Optimus re-posed.)
While working late one night in his lab, Alexander Graham Bell made a discovery of utmost importance. Our culture would not be the same had Mr. Bell not had the perseverance and dedication to his craft, which is really sad since so few people know he was the man responsible for such a culture-defining phenomenon.
The other night I came up with a stupid idea whilst in the midst of a drug-induced stupor. I'll share it with you now.
SETTING: Post-Civil War United States. President Lincoln has just been assassinated. John Wilkes Booth struck, not just to deliver a death blow to President Lincoln, but also to collect a sample of his brain. For he was doing the bidding of a group of disenfranchised ex-slave-owners -- who, after no longer being able to take advantage of the African slave labor they so required, set out to use genetic engineering to create a never-ending supply of workers to harvest their cottons and tobaccos. Workers created in the image of the very man who forced them to take such action. Clone Lincolns. Slave Clone Lincolns. Slave Clone Lincolns who eventually would number in the millions, who would then rise up and take back the country for the South -- once and for all.
Here's a doodle I just cranked out on my Nintendo DS:
While "researching" my previous stupid idea, I had an even stupider one. I now present you with the following 80's sitcom that never was, based around the idea that when your mom is a "ho" -- and dead -- it's never quite clear just who your biological uncle is:
Throughout history, many of mankind's greatest leaders in political and military strategy, rational thought, and respectableness have worn beards. There's Abe Lincoln, General Custer, Col. Sanders, Ulysses S. Grant, and many, many more. The list simply boggles the mind.
It was with this idea in mind that I've decided to take an unconventional look at the candidates for 2008's US Presidential election as they stand now. I've taken the most-viable two (as the radio host and callers I listened to the other day decided) candidates from both the Republican-Americans and the Democrat party and examined them for beard-worthyness. In theory, the one with the best beard will win.
Mitt has his work cut out for him if he wants to overcome the negative stigma that most Americans give to being a Mormon. From the looks of his beard, however, Mitt is in very good standing. Nice coloration gives him a statesmanly appearance, with only the slightest hint of crazy. (In these uncertain times, I believe that we could really use a bit of crazy in a leader.)
I think he's ahead of Barack at this point, despite his Latter-Day Saint background.
Being a woman would typically count a contender out of both a beard contest and a Presidential election, but Ms. Clinton has made some incredible inroads this election cycle. Americans are slowly coming around to accepting her vision of the future, and are rather impressed with the amount of growth she can achieve -- both in her poll numbers and her facial hair. Sure, her beard isn't quite up on par with that of a man's, but I think that in light of her not being one, the beard is the least of her troubles.
She's done better than I would have expected, but she's currently trailing behind both Obama and Romney at this point.
As you can very clearly see, despite his reliance on headwear, Senator McClane comes out head and shoulders above the rest of his competition. His beard is incredibly distinguished, very becoming, and has more than enough crazy in there to get the job done.
I'm currently calling the 2008 Presidential election in favor of Senator John McClane. Sure, he's a Republican, but if a member of the Democrat party comes forward with a better beard, I'll gladly throw my vote their way. Nearly every day someone new suggests that they might be throwing in their hat (and/or towel), so we'll have to see how it goes.
1: I was as surprised as you to hear he was a Senator, but in all the talk on the radio I heard the other day, everyone kept referring to him as "Senator John McClane." Who am I to argue with people who clearly know more than me?
I try to avoid politics as much as humanly possible, but today heard some speculation about possible Republican candidates. One in particular jumped right out at me as a particularly great choice, and I immediately decided to back him.
Unable to find any campaign materials online, I decided to make my own.
I awoke this morning to see that my hits as a result of Charlotte Church searches have gone through the roof, which means I sat on this information for too long.
A week or so ago, my source gave me what appears to be an ultrasound that confirms the news that Charlotte Church is pregnant, and suggests that the father may not be who she is now claiming that it is.
A while back, some random person on flickr created an account just so's he could contact me. He said he enjoyed looking at my pictures, and wondered if I had a large copy of the usericon I use to identify myself there. (Those reading via livejournal are very familiar with said icon, but for those who aren't I've included it over there on the right.)
His name is Curtis, and he told me that he really liked that particular picture and asked if it would be OK if he drew it. He said he was just getting into drawing and would like to hone his chops on me.
Boy would it! How could I pass up the opportunity to have a random internet person draw a picture of me?!
I immediately began scrounging around for the large version of that particular picture, but it seems that I lost it somewhere in the many harddrive failures over the years. I did the next best thing, though, by sending him some recent pictures and a few pictures from around that point in time. Oh, and some naked ones, just so he can get a feel for "me." (Curtis, call me!)
Some time passed and I got email from him, saying that he had started working on the picture. Over the next few weeks, Curtis would spend a little time here and there working on it, sending me snapshots of it so that I could see the progress. When it was finished, I asked if it would be OK to post his drawing here on my site where other random internet people can appreciate it. He said no, so I just pretended that GMail lost that particular message.
Here it is:
I think it came out really great. It is immediately obvious to me that it's supposed to be me. It's like looking into a mirror.
Curtis doesn't yet have a website or anything, but I've been trying to badger him into setting one up because I would love to follow his progress. In addition to being very good at drawing -- despite having only a handful of portraits under his belt -- he's also a talented photographer, has awesome facial hair (we exchanged many mails regarding handlebar moustaches and moustache wax recipes), looks like a soccer hooligan with his new chrome-dome 'do, and smokes a bad-ass pipe.
If you feel like helping my efforts to badger him into creating some sort of online presence, he might be checking in on the comments at some point.
Do you remember the self-help book I put out a few years back? Well it's in a brand new printing, so I figure it's time to plug it again.
Do you ever wish you could spend your day frolicking about without ever worrying about a thing? Do you wish sex was less relationship-driven and more of a recreational activity? Do you wish you could do a double back flip, and kill sharks with only your nose?
This best-selling motivational book has helped millions lead the fulfilling lives they always wished they could, and now with the new chapter on whistle-based communication, you can do all that and help get ideas across to others in a more efficient manner.