Know what the world doesn't need? Another freakin' Captain America movie.
Just because Hollywood keeps making PUNISHER reboots, and they've now managed to reboot both Batman and Hulk franchises, TWICE -- not to mention a pending Superman reboot -- doesn't mean we need another Captain America.
I've decided that, from now on, only the first incarnation of a comic book film will be acknowledged.
For instance: I did indeed see The Punisher, and he was played by Dolph Lundgren -- and it was terrible. I also saw The Fantastic Four, which was produced by Roger Corman -- and really, REALLY, terrible. Batman's greatest weapon was shark-deterrent spray.
I recently had an idea for a new reality show, because as I'm sure you know, I think there needs to be more of them. Anyway, my idea combines some of the best elements of all the best reality shows1 we've yet seen. First off, it invrsolves calling in to vote, replacing an icon, and being really mean to contestants.
The working title for this reality show is The Bat-chelor, and on it we will see a panel of evil masterminds (including Simon Cowell) eventually choose the new face of Batman -- with a little help from America of course. Categories of competition will include: bantering, kicking ass, filling out a rubber suit, throwing one-liners and of course, dancing the Batoosy.
1: I am of course surmising these elements from things I have heard; I have not actually watched a single second of reality television, nor do I have any plans to start.
The highlight? George Clooney responding to Barbara Walters' question "Would you ever play gay?", by saying that he already had: "I was in a rubber suit and I had rubber nipples. I could have played Batman straight, but I made him gay."
Batman fans the world over have alleged that Joel Schumacher gayed up Batman, but this is the first public recognition of such fact by anyone involved. I doubt George just decided out of the blue that it would be good to play Batman gay, I'm sure this was Joel's idea. Even those that don't agree with the claim that Joel intentionally gayified Batman will agree that he's a total hack, and that his Batman movies are responsible for the laughingstock that Batman is struggling to recover from today. Batman Begins did a fairly decent job of overcoming the mire than Joel put the character into, but Batman has a long way to go before he can gain acceptance from the masses.
The first step? Get rid of the rubber suit. Schumacher ruined that forever.
A week or so ago, while listening to one of the (many) crappy pop radio stations in town, I heard an ad for half-price laser hair removal.
"Pshaw, stupid vain pop radio listeners going to get laser hair removal," thought I. "Why would anyone ever go do that?"
Then I thought of a reason. I immediately began to get excited at the thought of half-price laser hair removal, and began to mentally plan my session.
"I could blog it! Take pictures! Take video!"
The excitement waned a little bit when I realized that the area that I wanted to get the removal on wasn't really as dense as I was imagining, and began to worry. Then I found out that you have to shave the area yourself first, so that they know where to target the laser.
"Excellent," I thought. "This way I can try it out beforehand to see if it will even work, and if not, pray for the old wives' tale of the hair growing back denser every time you shave it."
Well, tonight I tried it out. Sadly, I think my only option is to hope for the old wives' tale. One ray of sunshine: I did somewhat document my efforts tonight, and I share them with you now.
Here it is after I finished the stenciling and shaving. Sadly I forgot to get a before shot, showing that while it may not be dense, it is widespread.
Here it is after washing off the outline. Note to people trying this in the future: when you do the test to see if the ink will wash off easily, make sure you let it sit for a little while and then try to wash it off. Chances are it will set and then be very, very difficult.
Here's a final closeup. I need denser hair hair for this to work. My one hope is that the wives' tale is true, meaning that the area that I shaved off will be denser, so that I can eventually laser a negative image into the hair, leaving a naked bat symbol in the middle. That'd be so damned cool.
See, this picture of Natalie Portman's bald head has accounted for over 32% of all my traffic in the last week. I don't want to disable the ability for people to link directly to the things I post, but I have to say that this irks me just a tad. It isn't even a good picture! I posted a much better one, they should be linking to that.
In any case, I've decided to replace that image with something hilarious that might make viewers question the morality of the person posting the image. Any suggestions? I'm currently leaning towards this:
While doing some google searching tonight, I accidentally found something completely unrelated to my search. This happens every now and again, usually much to my amusement. Here's what I found:
This reminded me that I had a crush on all those hot villain chicks in Gotham City all through the early 90's watching Batman: The Animated Series, which to this day remains the best portrayal of the Dark Night ever.
In case you were wondering, I wasn't searching for cartoon porn, I'm not that much of a sicko. I was trying to find a picture of an adult lemur - to masturbate to.