...continuing my efforts to win the Sean Gleeson Researcher of the Century award. If you’re just joining us, I’m halfway there..

Since I’ve already proven the “shadows” portion to Sean’s approval, I’ll now prove the “left breast lift” portion as well. This solution is incredibly simple, requires no magic garment, and fits completely within what we know about the event.

I’ve simply extended the photograph below the bottom, using my imagination to fill in the details:

Click to enlarge

Now I’m no painter, and I have considerable trouble with anatomy, but I feel that despite the flaws in my rendering, this is a representation of a completely plausible situation. Sure, we don’t know that this is what actually happened, but I feel that anyone would have to admit that a table could certainly account for Harry’s “weight bearing” arm, the lifted breast, and the mystery “floating lemon wedge” — which, inexplicably, was never initially questioned.

Q E D.

Any objections?

UPDATE: Crap! Foiled again. On to the next round, I guess…

It seems I’m a participant in an unfolding scandal. I was under the impression that I’d have more time to prepare a statement, but it seems the story is breaking faster than I had expected it would, prompting me to hurry this post out the door. Please excuse any typos, spelling mistakes and/or bad grammar. (My grammar is so bad that one time, she rode her Harley right into an IHOP and demanded a “Rooty-Tooty Fresh and Fruity” or she’d tear up the place.)

Entertainment Weekly contributor Sean Gleeson recently made some allegations incriminating tabloid newspaper The Sun in yet another scandal over the Bad Boy Prince photograph they published. The Sun has printed a retraction, apologizing for the timeline mistake, but Sean maintains that editors at the paper willfully manipulated the photo in question, increasing Miss Natalie Pinkham’s chest size dramatically.

Sean’s allegations were based on “impossible shadows”, which I determined to be nothing more than the natural behavior of light on 3D objects. (Or, in this case, boobs.) Sean demanded video evidence to back up my assertions, so I decided to put aside all modesty and demonstrate the shadow-forming power of a pair of small breasts. Assuming I wouldn’t be able to get permission from the owner of the only female breasts I have access to, I decided the only thing to do was use mine. If you’ve ever wanted to see me topless, now is certainly your chance.

In any case, because of my selfless actions, I’m now up for the prestigious “Sean Gleeson Researcher of the Century Award,” which as of yet, has not actually been awarded to anyone before. Also coming with the award is a pint of Guinness, which due to not living in the same part of the country as Sean, I’ll be asking he give to the charity of my choosing. (I choose the Oklahoma City Alcoholism Center.) Tomorrow morning, Sean will announce whether I’ve won it or not, but either way, it’s going to be huge news. Heck, it’s huge news already. I’m sure by now you’ve seen countless links to Sean’s extremely influencial site from places like boingboing, digg, fark, slashdot, the Sun, and — of course — perezhilton.

I just want to assure everyone that I’m not backing The Sun because I feel they’re innocent — I’m backing them because of my dedication to free thinking. Just like the time I proved that that bigfoot photo could actually be a hiker, or the time I proved that George W. Bush could actually have been giving the thumbs up sign, it’s about not condemning someone with flawed evidence. It’s about proving that someone could be wrong — not proving that someone is wrong.

I’d also like to assure readers that I’m not in the habit of posting homemade pornography to the internet. This time it just seemed like a necessary evil.

I hope I haven’t destroyed what little faith you have in me as a person.

A few days ago, there was an announcement that someone from my neck of the woods (Vancouver, WA) has photographed what appears to be a sasquatch on Silver Star Mountain. The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization has posted the photos and some information on their news page, and the photos are now making their way around the blogosphere. Upon first seeing them on my 320×240 T-Moible Sidekick screen, I was intrigued, but it wasnt until today that I remember to check out the photos on my computer after seeing it again on I Can’t Eat Cheese. Here’s the best of the photos:

Like with the video of George Bush “flipping the bird”, I decided that since I am apparently the only rational person around, it is up to me to play mythbuster. Now mind you, I believe that there is a possibility of such a creature as a sasquatch living in various parts of the world, and I’ll be among the most excited when/if credible evidence (ie, a dead one, or better yet a live one) is found. Sadly, today is not that day.

Using “high tech image processing techniques”—OK, who am I kidding? I upped the contrast and the brightness—I managed to get a little bit more detail to emerge, and things actually make quite a bit of sense to me. Before I show you my results, I want to show you a snippet of the text description on this scientific organization’s website:

There’s no lines indicating clothing or a pack. The lump on the neck could easily be a clump of hair, similar to what you can see in the PGF^*.

Most snowshoers or backpackers in these conditions would look different than this silhouette.

Ok, that said, I now present you with what I’ve determined this figure to be. I’ve only adjusted the brightness and the contrast, so no accusing me of making things up. Feel free to load up the original picture in the image editor of your choice, kick the brightness/contrast up a notch and take a peek if you don’t believe me.

EDIT: Er, I mean that the first frame of the animation has the contrast boosted. I obviously painted the colored areas by hand, but overtop of the corresponding shapes in the original image. I wasn’t trying to be cute.

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*: I have absolutely no idea what PGF means, I’m suspecting the F stands for footage, so they are perhaps referring to that really famous footage of bigfoot walking. If you are a bigfoot researcher, please let me know.

UPDATE: B-Will informs me that PGF stands for Patterson-Gimlin Footage, which is in-fact the footage I mentioned.

There’s been some hooplah the last couple days regarding the video of Bush “flipping off reporters.”

Here’s the video:

Click to play

I admit, it does look quite a bit like Bush is flipping the bird, but I am 100% positive that is not what is being depicted. I spent some time this morning with the GIMP doing some rotoscoping and photographing my own hand and have come up with this scenario.

Click to enlarge

While I was painstakingly tracing hand shaped outlines on the really zoomed in image, I could clearly see the shadowing and lighting hilights of everything I was tracing. There’s no doubt in my mind this is what happened.

I would have to agree with many of the detractors who say that flipping the bird is a gesture one should not expect from the President of the greatest country in the world, but even had he done it, it wouldn’t be that big a deal. People tend to put politicians (and our founding fathers) on this pedestal like they are more than mere mortals. It is fun to point out when Bush makes mistakes or does stupid shit because frankly, he isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. But does he have to be? No. That’s what his handlers are for. Presidents don’t write speeches. Presidents don’t answer questions unless the question has been previously approved. I’m not saying that Bush doesn’t make decisions about things, but he has good people who are there to present him with a multitude of information about the decisions, so the fact that he’s no genius doesn’t really matter all that much.

It isn’t often that I defend Bush on things, but this seems like a pretty clear case of people who don’t like him grasping at straws just trying to find stuff to make him look bad.

That said, here’s video of Bush flipping the bird for real.

Click to play