Hey, remember when I mistook John McCain for John McClane, linking to livefreeordiehard.com as his campaign page? Well now, COINCIDENTALLY, Twentieth Century Fox Films has done the same thing, even using “Yippie Kay Yay America” as a slogan like I did, linking right from livefreeordiehard.com with a bumper sticker graphic very similar to the one I made. And how were people getting to livefreeordiehard.com to see the advertisement? That’s right, those thousands of people were getting there because I had the common decency to link them there.

Stephen Colbert may have made Mike Huckabee (and Conan O’Brian made Stephen Colbert (and John Stewart made Conan O’Brian))), but it’s clear that it is I who made the viable candidate that is John McClane.

Granted, I never followed through by making a full-on campaign page because it was too much work for a stupid joke, but it gave Fox the opportunity to show that there is NOTHING TOO STUPID, provided someone comes up with it for them first. On the plus side, their site looks JUST LIKE the one I was going to make, so that’s all good. I particularly like the quote about John putting himself in his opponent’s shoes. I’d link to it, except that unlike my version of the site, theirs is entirely flash and impossible to use.

Anyway, to the people at 20th Century Fox I only have one thing to say: “You’re welcome.”

Lest anyone question the level of my nutjobbery, here are the results from the little “pick your 2008 candidate” quiz that’s making the rounds:

<b>65% <span style=“color: #f00;”>Ron Paul</span><br>50% <span style=“color: #f00;”>Mike Huckabee</span><br>47% <span style=“color: #f00;”>Fred Thompson</span><br>46% <span style=“color: #f00;”>Mitt Romney</span><br>46% <span style=“color: #f00;”>Rudy Giuliani</span><br>44% <span style=“color: #f00;”>John McCain</span><br>41% <span style=“color: #00f;”>Mike Gravel</span><br>41% <span style=“color: #00f;”>Bill Richardson</span><br>38% <span style=“color: #f00;”>Tom Tancredo</span><br>37% <span style=“color: #00f;”>Chris Dodd</span><br>37% <span style=“color: #00f;”>Dennis Kucinich</span><br>30% <span style=“color: #00f;”>Barack Obama</span><br>30% <span style=“color: #00f;”>Hillary Clinton</span><br>28% <span style=“color: #00f;”>John Edwards</span><br>26% <span style=“color: #00f;”>Joe Biden</span><br></b><br><a href=“http://www.gotoquiz.com/candidates/2008-quiz.html”>2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz</a>

I was really hoping — because of the truthfulness of my answers — that it would read from top to bottom in order of craziness.  In large part it did, but I’m a bit surprised that Mike Gravel didn’t even beat McCain, let alone Giuliani. I did expect Kucinich to be a little higher on the list, though, as I kinda like the guy.  I truly hope for a “Ron Paul / Dennis Kucinich” ticket, as I think that’d be the perfect balance of differing crazies to ensure that I don’t hate my country as much in the future as I have lately.  Which, actually, is quite a lot. 

I guess the results didn’t stack up the way I expected because the quiz isn’t really designed to return results relevant to the craziness of the candidates — instead it just shows MY craziness.   There were a bunch of them that I didn’t answer because they didn’t have appropriate choices, many that I feel are not relevant to presidential politics, and one that I had to answer dishonestly.  The dishonest one was about federal funding of stem cell research, and I had to inaccurately mark as “yes,” despite being against federal funding of ANY research.  I’m NOT, however, against stem cell research — provided that the government isn’t paying for it — so I decided to answer by the “spirit” rather than the “letter.”  I’m of the nutjob opinion that the government is rubbish at pretty much everything it does, and that therefore we should let it do as little of said rubbish as possible.  Privatized science will work just as good — better, even; we all know that every major technological advancement in the last century has been as a result of pornography anyway, which, as far as I know, is one area we spend very little federal money on. (Unless, of course, you count all the federal agents pretending to be little kids to lure sexual predators on the internet, and/or posting child porn so that they can bust the people who download it.)  To those that insist that they help pay for science research I say that you’re free to write as many checks as you’d like.  I know I sure will be.  They’ll just be to private research groups rather than the government.

So, in summary, I hope this brief foray into my nutjobbery will help quiet the people who insist upon haranguing me every four years about how it’s my duty as an American to exercise my constitutional right to vote, making them instead relish my decision to not take part.  Mmmm, relish.

If, like me, you were somewhat disheartened a couple years back at what might have been re: Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash, it may please you to know that it will be given a new life in paper form: FREDDY VS JASON VS ASH Hitting Comics Soon. (Warning, contains minor spoilers for this comic, but also a major one for the comic [and presumably the film] Watchmen.) Short spoiler-free summary: It was ALMOST a movie, but now that it’s not, they’ve decided to make it into a comic miniseries. Exactly like the movie would have been. Except with more paper cuts.

I read the treatment for the movie version a couple years back and must say that there was some clever stuff in it. Some stupid stuff as well, but nothing worse than what’s already in Freddy Vs. Jason. If you want to spoil the comics for yourself (the six-issue run is supposed to be based almost verbatim on the original film treatment) you can find the treatment here.

In other news, My Name is Bruce is on track to rock all our socks off later this year. I’d describe it, but the previous link does a much better job than I could.

Lastly, (and kicking off all this Evil Dead/Bruce Campbell talk from me) Richard Crawford suggests that we force Bruce Campbell to run for president. I think if we slap an “I’m Bruce Campbell, and I approve this message” on this fine Old Spice campaign ad that it’ll help get the rest of America on board. Who can argue with the platform Bruce is stumping for in that spot?

Throughout history, many of mankind’s greatest leaders in political and military strategy, rational thought, and respectableness have worn beards. There’s Abe Lincoln, General Custer, Col. Sanders, Ulysses S. Grant, and many, many more. The list simply boggles the mind.

It was with this idea in mind that I’ve decided to take an unconventional look at the candidates for 2008’s US Presidential election as they stand now. I’ve taken the most-viable two (as the radio host and callers I listened to the other day decided) candidates from both the Republican-Americans and the Democrat party and examined them for beard-worthyness. In theory, the one with the best beard will win.

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First up on the Democrat party side: Senator Barack Obama.

As you can see, his beard is quite distinguished, giving him an air of authority and the look of a debonair attitue. Just a hint of gray to show how wise he is; very well-kempt.

Not bad, Barack. Not bad at all.

First up on the Republican-American side: Governor Mitt Romney.

Mitt has his work cut out for him if he wants to overcome the negative stigma that most Americans give to being a Mormon. From the looks of his beard, however, Mitt is in very good standing. Nice coloration gives him a statesmanly appearance, with only the slightest hint of crazy. (In these uncertain times, I believe that we could really use a bit of crazy in a leader.)

I think he’s ahead of Barack at this point, despite his Latter-Day Saint background.

Next up for the Democrat party: Senator Hillary Rodham-Clinton-Brimley.

Being a woman would typically count a contender out of both a beard contest and a Presidential election, but Ms. Clinton has made some incredible inroads this election cycle. Americans are slowly coming around to accepting her vision of the future, and are rather impressed with the amount of growth she can achieve — both in her poll numbers and her facial hair. Sure, her beard isn’t quite up on par with that of a man’s, but I think that in light of her not being one, the beard is the least of her troubles.

She’s done better than I would have expected, but she’s currently trailing behind both Obama and Romney at this point.

Lastly, we have Senator¹ John McClane for the Republican-American party:

As you can very clearly see, despite his reliance on headwear, Senator McClane comes out head and shoulders above the rest of his competition. His beard is incredibly distinguished, very becoming, and has more than enough crazy in there to get the job done.

I’m currently calling the 2008 Presidential election in favor of Senator John McClane. Sure, he’s a Republican, but if a member of the Democrat party comes forward with a better beard, I’ll gladly throw my vote their way. Nearly every day someone new suggests that they might be throwing in their hat (and/or towel), so we’ll have to see how it goes.

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1: I was as surprised as you to hear he was a Senator, but in all the talk on the radio I heard the other day, everyone kept referring to him as “Senator John McClane.” Who am I to argue with people who clearly know more than me?

I try to avoid politics as much as humanly possible, but today heard some speculation about possible Republican candidates. One in particular jumped right out at me as a particularly great choice, and I immediately decided to back him.

Unable to find any campaign materials online, I decided to make my own.

Click to embiggen

Please feel free to print out the larger version should you want to show your support as well.