As an adult male raised both in the relatively puritanical United States and by Hollywood, I find myself thinking frequently of breasts.

(I must say, it’s quite tempting to just stop there, but I do have a point so I guess I’ll soldier on.)

Anyway, the other day I was thinking of breasts and came up with an ingenius idea that I hope will make me lots and lots of money.

So what’s the problem with breast implants? I’d say it’s the invasive and destructive method of insertion; you’ve got this big object outside the breast that you want to move inside the breast, so there’s going to be scarring and pain and recovery time. Oh and everyone will notice that yesterday your boobs were much smaller.

So my idea came about by thinking of Luxy, an elderly rat who has a large mammary tumor. She looked for a while very much like she just suddenly sprouted a Dolly Parton sized boob on one side which had a very natural look and feel.

So my idea is to intentionally cultivate a tumor at a precise location inside of any breasts you want to make bigger; this will allow the breasts to grow “naturally” over time and not require any surgery. Worst case scenario is an injection of a “starter” cell, best case would just be some sort of “Boob Enhancing Ray” that gets waved over the boobs in question.

The only part I haven’t been able to figure out yet is how to get them to stop growing. Really though, once you decide you want bigger boobs, do you really think you’re going to suddenly be happy with them? No, I think people who get implants want progressively larger ones over time, so this will just save everyone a load of hassle.

At first I was doubtful whether anyone would intentionally put something scary and harmful into their body just to “improve” their appearance, but then I remembered that millions of surprised looking people use Botox. Once you’ve injected deadly food poisoning into your face, what’s a little cancer in your boobs?