Are you as disappointed as I am that Ben & Jerry's "Chunky Monkey" never actually contained bits of monkey?
Perhaps then you'll be as thrilled as I was to see new "Chunky Monkey: Rhesus Pieces" pints, available now in your grocer's freezer section.
NOTE: When I wrote the above gag nearly a week ago, it cracked me up considerably. I congratulated myself on my hilarity. Then I started to feel as if I had actually heard this before, from one of you, but I've been unable to find it. So... If it was you who actually originated this gag, please let me know so that I can give credit where it's due. I don't want to steal other people's jokes.
I hate ordering things online. Waiting for tracking information and wondering when my shipment will arrive wreaks havoc with what little bit of patience I can claim to have -- which is less and less as anxiety takes its toll on me. I generally just wait until I can pick up whatever it is that I want at some physical location -- at a higher price, naturally.
Sure, this just puts the thing in my hands considerably later than if I had just ordered it and waited for its arrival in the first place, but my brain doesn't seem to understand that distinction.
What I'd like to see is a "surprise ordering" service where I can: create a wishlist of things I plan to purchase at some point, set a maximum (and minimum) monthly spending limit, and input my credit card information. This service would then periodically order things for me -- without telling me about it -- so that when a package arrives, I won't have been expecting it, getting all anxious.
Anyone feel like making this system for me? If so, just make sure you don't tell me about it until it is functional....
Thinking about the cost of purchasing water yesterday got my mind heading into directions it hasn't gone before. Like a cartoon lightbulb blinking alight above my head, an idea suddenly illuminated the dark empty parts of my brain as things suddenly became clear. (There are lots of those empty places, and they require lots of light, so this doesn't happen very frequently.)
Here was what my idea sounded like:
"I bet if there were some way to remove shipping costs from the equation -- like, for instance, with a network of pressurized tubes running to each home -- it would be possible to get the cost of water much, much lower than $0.89 for 20 ounces, while completely eliminating the need to lug heavy cases of water from the grocery store.
In addition to a lower cost, the 'cool factor' of having a receptacle that dispenses 20oz bottles of water from your sink would be a real benefit. I mean, it's not like the sink is doing anything for me now. How come nobody has thought of this before?"
At first I was thinking that using air to move the bottles along the pipes would be the way to go (you've seen this system in action at your bank's drive-thru), but the more I thought about it, I decided that water might be a more efficient medium to move the bottles from place to place.
I'm not sure who to talk to to get this to happen, but I think a network of pressurized, water-filled tubes to whoosh bottles of water from place to place really needs to become reality, if only to help those of us with bad backs drink more while suffering less pain.
Hey! Now that I think about it, I think there are currently pressurized water-filled tubes running to my house that are sitting there unused! That seems like a good place to start, so I'm going to call around to see who is in charge of them and what would be involved in modifying them.
It seems as if I had mentioned this before, but a quick search shows no results, so I must not have.
I've been recently dabbling with gene splicing. Nothing too fancy yet mind you, I am after all a beginner, it's just that I keep running into the same problem over and over. See, I'm trying to combine a lobster and a lemon to create a lobster which doesn't require any lemon garnish1. The problem is that I keep ending up with lemons that taste like lobster, and that's just nasty. I mean, who wants to boil a lemon before eating it?
1: Phase 2 will involve splicing my lemobster with butter, but I'm not far enough along yet to start work on that.
I recently had an idea for a new reality show, because as I'm sure you know, I think there needs to be more of them. Anyway, my idea combines some of the best elements of all the best reality shows1 we've yet seen. First off, it invrsolves calling in to vote, replacing an icon, and being really mean to contestants.
The working title for this reality show is The Bat-chelor, and on it we will see a panel of evil masterminds (including Simon Cowell) eventually choose the new face of Batman -- with a little help from America of course. Categories of competition will include: bantering, kicking ass, filling out a rubber suit, throwing one-liners and of course, dancing the Batoosy.
1: I am of course surmising these elements from things I have heard; I have not actually watched a single second of reality television, nor do I have any plans to start.
As an adult male raised both in the relatively puritanical United States and by Hollywood, I find myself thinking frequently of breasts.
(I must say, it's quite tempting to just stop there, but I do have a point so I guess I'll soldier on.)
Anyway, the other day I was thinking of breasts and came up with an ingenius idea that I hope will make me lots and lots of money.
So what's the problem with breast implants? I'd say it's the invasive and destructive method of insertion; you've got this big object outside the breast that you want to move inside the breast, so there's going to be scarring and pain and recovery time. Oh and everyone will notice that yesterday your boobs were much smaller.
So my idea came about by thinking of Luxy, an elderly rat who has a large mammary tumor. She looked for a while very much like she just suddenly sprouted a Dolly Parton sized boob on one side which had a very natural look and feel.
So my idea is to intentionally cultivate a tumor at a precise location inside of any breasts you want to make bigger; this will allow the breasts to grow "naturally" over time and not require any surgery. Worst case scenario is an injection of a "starter" cell, best case would just be some sort of "Boob Enhancing Ray" that gets waved over the boobs in question.
The only part I haven't been able to figure out yet is how to get them to stop growing. Really though, once you decide you want bigger boobs, do you really think you're going to suddenly be happy with them? No, I think people who get implants want progressively larger ones over time, so this will just save everyone a load of hassle.
At first I was doubtful whether anyone would intentionally put something scary and harmful into their body just to "improve" their appearance, but then I remembered that millions of surprised looking people use Botox. Once you've injected deadly food poisoning into your face, what's a little cancer in your boobs?
Today Travis came up with an ingenius idea: to avoid all that hassle of wiping after doing a #2, simply eat some toilet paper after every meal. He suggests dipping it in nice cool water so that when it comes time to do its job, it will be moist and cool.
While perusing my pre-nyquil.org past over on livejournal, I stumbled across this gem from December 2004. Those of you who've seen it, sorry for the dupe.
Here's info on my latest invention, which will really help out the women of tomorrow.
Imagine an alarmclock, but with the noisemaker part inside your pillow...
Your alarm will no longer have to wake your wife, who you make stay at home since that's a womans proper place. Imagine how much higher quality your dinner will be when you get home to find it already made for you; a well rested cook is a better cook. Imagine how much more energy there will be for cleaning, mowing the lawn and providing sex whenever you demand it.
Alternatively, if you would prefer she go to work rather than you, then simply put it in her pillow. Now it's you not being disturbed -- not until she gets home and starts banging around pots and pans to cook you dinner anyway.
After spending 5 years of my childhood in southeast Alaska, I have a fond place in my heart for adorable and playful Killer Whales Orcas. These majestic creatures are slowly dwindling in number in the wild, while increasing in number in captivity. I find this fact very saddening. The problem I have with keeping them in captivity isn't the one you'd expect: as I happen to know that they enjoy living in shiny, blue bottomed habitats, being ogled all day by tourists, and being forced to do tricks for food, the only real problem I have is with the constant feeding of baby seal pups to them. Baby seal pups are high in both fat (blubber) and protein -- too high in fact to be part of a healthy diet for a captive Orca.
Not one to simply sit around and bitch about what's wrong with the world, I've decided to take action. It is with our captive Orca's best interests in mind that I have created a new dietary staple to help sustain the healthy body our majestic performers absolutely must have. Say hello to SvealTM (picture at right).
Sveal uses techniques long used in the beef industry to ensure that meat is both tender and lean. The basis of the process is restriction of movement; our Sveal pups are unable to move more than an inch at a time, thus negating their bodies natural tendency to build muscle. As they are unable to swim after prey, they will be forced to gain sustenance only from whatever fishes happen to swim into their net -- less calories = less blubber.
I hope that with time, SvealTM will allow our dancing wonder fish mammals to live the long healthy lives that they deserve.
(18:10:39) me: know how they're planning a mission to Mars?
(18:10:44) rob: yeh..
(18:10:54) me: that seems like such a total waste of time and money to me.
(18:11:03) me: going to some other planet isn't going to help any of the problems we have here on Earth, most importantly being the coming energy crisis.
(18:11:19) me: I came up with a way we can harvest some energy by making a much more useful trip to a different heavenly body.
(18:11:26) rob: oh?
(18:11:33) me: we should send a mission to land on the SUN.
(18:11:48) rob: But, you can't land on the sun..
(18:11:55) me: well, of course not...
(18:11:59) me: but you CAN if you wait until it is NIGHT.
(18:12:11) rob: lol
(18:12:33) me: I figure, the astronauts can just pop some solar panels in with some nice long fireproof poles and run the cords back to earth.
(18:12:42) me: unlimited free energy.
(18:12:46) me: one thing though, they have to keep an eye on the alarm clock, make sure they're nowhere near that puppy when it comes up.
(18:13:04) rob: yeh, that shit could sting a bit
Not to be outdone by Lance Armstrong's amazingly successful "LIVE STRONG" latex bracelet campaign, Angelina Jolie has decided to try to create a similar fad to raise money and awareness for her World Refugee Day charity and the UN Refugee Agency.
For a $10 donation you can get a latex "LIVE THONG" Refu-G-String (pictured at right) which will help children and teens in Tanzania, Sudan, Angola, Colombia, Democratic Republic of Congo, Afghanistan, Sri Lanka, Bosnia-Herzegovina and countries of the former Soviet Union to have a better life, through visits from Angelina.
More than 35 million people in the world today have been forced to run for their lives, and are either temporarily or permanently exiled from their homes. Half of them are children. Roughly 20 million fall under the auspices of the UNHCR and are currently receiving assistance from the agency. Around 12 million live in refugee camps, fleeing persecution, armed conflict, murder, rape, and mutilation. The smaller camps of 200 to 300 people in many cases are essentially whole villages that have fled together. Larger camps can be the size of small cities. Your donation can help bring some much needed care to needy refugees worldwide -- just $10 can rent a donkey on which Angelina can ride to visit each refugee camp personally. Refugees can benefit greatly from simply seeing and touching Angelina's clothing, and now you can finally help bring her to them.
In addition to the monetary donation, the charity will benefit from the added exposure to the problem by people seeing the straps of your "LIVE THONG" Refu-G-String riding above your low-cut jeans. Surely they too will want to donate $10 so that they can wear the "LIVE THONG" Refu-G-String with pride.