I awoke this morning to see that my hits as a result of Charlotte Church searches have gone through the roof, which means I sat on this information for too long.

A week or so ago, my source gave me what appears to be an ultrasound that confirms the news that Charlotte Church is pregnant, and suggests that the father may not be who she is now claiming that it is.

Click for REALLY BIG version.

I was hoping to realease this information just as she was announcing it, but sadly I missed the boat. In any case, it's out there now.

Defined tags for this entry: art, celebrity, Charlotte Church, the GIMP, Wilford Brimley

I get a lot of comment/trackback spam attempts on the various blogs in my bloglomerate, which I have always attributed to the ginormous amount of traffic I get. Until today, that is.

Take a peek at the top of my inbox this morning:

That's 36 attempts, all involving diabetes awareness.

What once seemed like a random, scattered smattering of spam attempts now looks like a direct attack from one specific individual. Long time readers may immediately know who I suspect, but for the new folk I'm gonna spell it out.

I suspect that -- for some crazy reason -- Mr. Brimley is upset about the fact that he makes up much of the content here at nyquil.org, including my repeated outings of his... achem... personal dealings with hot young celebrities. This quick search will give you an idea of the frequency of his appearances here.

I believe this is just a warning of things to come, but rest assured: I will not bend under the threats of terrorists -- no matter how tasty their oatmeal is. I'll keep you posted; I may be forced to call for an oatmeal boycott.

Oh man. Best Week Ever stole my gag.

I way as well get this out in the open now as well, before they steal it: Wilford Brimley is Cylon model #1. You heard it here first.

I'm sure by now you've heard the story of Lindsay Lohan's breakfast adventure at Bryan Adams' London home.

However, according to my anonymous source, the official story is omitting several details. First off, there's the quickly mentioned fact that Bryan Adams wasn't even in London at the time. Then there's the laughably specific information as to what they were having for breakfast; the only time someone gives that much information is when they're lying. You don't say "I cooked breakfast, you know, with eggs and everything... and bacon, and, um toast" unless you don't want people to know what you really had for breakfast.

So why be quick to point out that the only concievable male to be in the house isn't there, and lie about what you had for breakfast? Simple: there was a famous male in the house, and he has very specific tastes when it comes to women and breakfast foods.

Here's a photo sent to me by an anonymous source, taken in a park near Bryan Adam's home on the evening before Lindsay's emergency hospital vist.

Click to enlarge

Do you still believe the story that Linday's mom has been feeding the media? I sure don't. Do you think maybe Charlotte Church is jealous of all the attention Wilford is lavishing on Lindsay, and it is she who sent me the photo? I think it is most definitely a possibility.

So did something happen to Charlotte Church in the last few days or something? Both friday and today I've gotten almost double the traffic I normally get, with the extra 50% going almost entirely to my various pages about Charlotte Church's antics with Wilford Brimley, coming from various incarnations of Google. The UK seems to be the primary origin of most of this traffic, but a fair bit has been coming from inside the US as well. Any ideas?

It seems as if Charlotte Church and Wilford Brimley brought along a guest on their recent trip to an unnamed beach. Based on photographic evidence, that guest appears to be Natalie Portman. This photograph, which was taken with the disposable camera Wilford Brimley brought along to document his adventures with Charlotte and Natalie, was given to me by a source that wishes to be unnamed. "Anonymity is the right thing to do," was my sources only reply to my request for permission to name him.

Click to Enlarge

It is unknown whether Natalie was introduced to Wilford by Charlotte, or to Charlotte by Wilford, but one thing is certain: the trio were nearly inseparable throughout the course of the long weekend. Much time was spent in the cabin the three shared, while Cabana boys reported demands for pot after pot of boiling water to be brought to them. The only clue as to the use of the boiling water is perhaps the box of "hot grits" (manufactured by the company Wilford gained most of his public notoriety being the spokesman for) being held by Charlotte as Wilford snapped this photo.

UPDATE: Has Wilford sewn his oats even further?

UPDATE AGAIN: Holy moly! Wilford seems to be crankin' out baby-mammas like they're going out of style!

Let's set the wayback machine for 1996, during which The Internet goes through its awkward adolescent age.

During the early years of the internet, 99.9% of all websites were hosted by universities and authored by the students of said universities. Domain names were handed out for free, but practically no one actually owned one. All urls looked like this: 'www.nameofdepartment.university.edu/~student/subject/page.html', and www.mcdonalds.com wouldn't exist for several years yet (let alone be owned by McDonalds, but that's another story.)

As nearly all the content was authored by university students, the subject making up the internet varied wildly. You could find information on Star Trek, Babylon 5, and pretty much any sci-fi* mythology. There were many pages about Bruce Campbell, Xena, The Simpsons and many other popular icons. Aside from the occasional page outlining technical UNIX/Linux/BeOS/etc information, you were pretty much stuck with Xena.

Around 1996 Altavista, the then internet search king, introduced a special 'image search' allowing users to search not only for page content, but actual images. I decided to use this opportunity to ascertain for myself just how useful this whole internet thing really was. I specially crafted a search query which I believed would push the limits of the idea that 'you can find everything nowadays on the internet,' an idea that was fairly popular with first time net searchers who find that the popular things they are trying to search for are in fact popular.

The query I designed to test the limits of Altavista's image search was a simple one. The two words I paired quite effectively showed that you certainly could not 'find everything.' That search query was "Wilford Brimley." There were 0 results.