nyquil.org (Entries tagged as celebrity)

Media Celebrity Treatment Pushes Me Too Far

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 18:06:37 -0800

Let me get this straight… Don Imus refers to some young black women as “nappy-headed hos” and gets fired amidst the massive media attention, Kelly Tilghman gets a 2-week suspension for saying Tiger Woods’s‘s opponents would have to “lynch him in a back alley” to beat him, yet John Gibson gets nothing?

Are things seriously so fudged up in this country that something only <i>vaguely</i> tied to racism (lynching) causes more outrage than cruel homophobic rumormongering towards a dead man and his family?

I’m not typically a celebrity woebegoner, but this atop the Westboro Baptist Church announcing that they’re going to picket Heath’s funeral has put me just about over the top on the “caring about the press treatment of celebrities” department. Seriously, LEAVE HEATH LEDGER ALONE! (*SOB*)

Sometimes Marketing Can Go Too Far

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 17:54:48 -0800

Worst Dark Knight viral marketing campaign. ever.

pondering the improvement of a recent headline

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 12:06:53 -0700

What the headline said: Harry Potter franchise star Daniel Radcliffe shocks the world by baring all on London stage.

What I wish the headline said: Harry Potter franchise star Emma Watson shocks the world by baring all on London stage.

Hey now, stop that ‘tsk’ing — I know you’re thinking it too.

Parker Posey Has a Posse

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 14:03:32 -0800

Click to embiggen

Breaking News! Charlford Pregnant!

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 09:12:59 -0800

I awoke this morning to see that my hits as a result of Charlotte Church searches have gone through the roof, which means I sat on this information for too long.

A week or so ago, my source gave me what appears to be an ultrasound that confirms the news that Charlotte Church is pregnant, and suggests that the father may not be who she is now claiming that it is.

Click for REALLY BIG version.

I was hoping to realease this information just as she was announcing it, but sadly I missed the boat. In any case, it’s out there now.

Has This Been Done?

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 06:36:26 -0800

This idea came to me at some point yesterday, but, as often is the case, I fear someone must have thought of it before me. Can anyone demonstrate prior art?

If you’ve seen this before, I’d really like to hear about it.

Update: Yeah, this has been done before. I do think my choice of photos was was better, but hey, that’s not what counts.

Gotta Have the Faith

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 18:11:59 -0700

Howie Mandel vs. Penn Jillette on Faith.

or, How I Missed Out On $1,000,000 On Deal or No Deal (2:41 MP3 from Penn’s (awesome) radio show.)

This is a really great behind-the-scenes story by Howie involving a contestant’s Faith, which of course culminated in Penn railing about his particular brand of militant Atheism. I think Howie countered Penn rather well, coming out on top.

EDIT: Spelled Howie’s last name correctly this time and added a little bit more of a description.

EDIT again: fixed typo. Posting first thing in the morning is a bad idea, apparently.

WHO fell on the ice?!

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Sun, 26 Feb 2006 15:28:11 -0800

The following is a public service announcement for other Olympics-challenged individuals such as myself.

Apparently there are now two famous people with the name Sasha Cohen, one spelled with a C, one without.

This is Olympic figure skater Sasha Cohen. You may have heard something about her falling on the ice during competition or somesuch. Now if you were me and you heard that, it would have confused the heck out of you, because:

this is Sascha (Baron) Cohen. He is not only not a figure skater, but probably wouldn’t pass the mandatory drug testing required to be one. Chances are pretty good that he is tight with those Jamaican bobsledders though and really, he wouldn’t have any more room ‘round his neck for any additional gold medallions anyway. Check it! Jah.

Lindsay Lohan Secrets

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Thu, 02 Feb 2006 17:49:26 -0800

I’m sure by now you’ve heard the story of Lindsay Lohan’s breakfast adventure at Bryan Adams’ London home.

However, according to my anonymous source, the official story is omitting several details. First off, there’s the quickly mentioned fact that Bryan Adams wasn’t even in London at the time. Then there’s the laughably specific information as to what they were having for breakfast; the only time someone gives that much information is when they’re lying. You don’t say “I cooked breakfast, you know, with eggs and everything… and bacon, and, um toast” unless you don’t want people to know what you really had for breakfast.

So why be quick to point out that the only concievable male to be in the house isn’t there, and lie about what you had for breakfast? Simple: there was a famous male in the house, and he has very specific tastes when it comes to women and breakfast foods.

Here’s a photo sent to me by an anonymous source, taken in a park near Bryan Adam’s home on the evening before Lindsay’s emergency hospital vist.

Click to enlarge

Do you still believe the story that Linday’s mom has been feeding the media? I sure don’t. Do you think maybe Charlotte Church is jealous of all the attention Wilford is lavishing on Lindsay, and it is she who sent me the photo? I think it is most definitely a possibility.

New Product Announcement

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Sun, 18 Dec 2005 13:53:14 -0800

We here at nyquil.org are proud to introduce another exciting new product.

Now you can ‘wax on’^® with Mr. Miyagi^tm Wax-Off^tm brand lotion.

Regular usage of this product leaves the skin feeling silky smooth and it virtually eliminates chafing.

This lotion contains essence of beeswax, in addition to a full range of time-tested all-natural secret Japanese botanicals. Mr. Miyagi’s^tm products are never animal tested.

Mr. Miyagi^tm says,“Be sure you ‘wax on’, before you Wax-Off!”^®

I Sure Hope Charlotte Church is OK

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Sat, 17 Dec 2005 21:30:03 -0800

So did something happen to Charlotte Church in the last few days or something? Both friday and today I’ve gotten almost double the traffic I normally get, with the extra 50% going almost entirely to my various pages about Charlotte Church’s antics with Wilford Brimley, coming from various incarnations of Google. The UK seems to be the primary origin of most of this traffic, but a fair bit has been coming from inside the US as well. Any ideas?

Crouching Boa, Hidden Python

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Wed, 14 Dec 2005 22:17:00 -0800

Because I am a big fan of movies (just not actually going to go see them) I read lots of movie news. Today there was one notable item that really caught my eye, possibly because it involved genitalia.

It seems that model/actor Brandon Routh, who will be next seen as Clark Kent in the upcoming Superman Returns, has a really large penis. It also seems that this large member, when combined with skin-tight lycra, is creating a bulge that Warner Bros. wants removed.

Rumor has it they’re going to use the same digital editing techniques used earlier this year to reduce the size of Lindsay Lohan’s ~~spectacular~~ rack to make The Man of Steel’s Kryptonian crotch less bulgerific. Now I realize the pantsal region is one casually described as ‘where the sun doesn’t shine’, but surely Earth’s yellow sun¹ penetrates into his pants at least a little, thus making that area super strong as well?

The thing I really don’t get is, the demographic for this film is predominantly homosexual males² (with the odd sprinkling of women who like to look at well-built guys in tights.) What on earth would be the gain of making the film less appealing to both of these demographics?

1: if you are not familiar with Superman’s second (and current) origin story, he comes from a solar system with a red sun. When exposed to our completely different yellow sun, he gains amazing powers such as super strength, super speed, flight, heat vision, cold breath, some sort of strange energy weapon taking the form of the S on his chest that he can throw at bad guys³, or whatever else they feel like making him do on any given day.

2: this film was greenlit largely based on the popularity of the WB’s popular show Smallville, which is arguably the gayest show on television. What? You don’t believe me? I’ll give you a quick plot summary in the unlikely event that you don’t watch this show (and seriously, you must be watching it, because it is still on the air.)

Clark is a teenager like any other teenager growing up on a farm in Kansas save for one tiny little difference. See, Clark has a secret that prevents him from being himself in front of his peers, from maintaining relationships with the girls that love him, and from admitting he is the way that he is.

What is stopping him from fessing up? The fear of being outcast and ostracised for his what makes him different, fear of being called a freak and ultimately, fear of being feared by people that used to respect him.

Clark has serious troubles with the ladies. No matter how great the woman, every girl he has gotten involved with has ended up giving up on him because when it comes down to it, he just isn’t capable of feeling the same way about them as they do about him, and he’s not sure why. He can’t open up to them about the fear he has tearing him apart inside or the emotions that drive him.

Then there’s the hunky billionaire, Lex Luthor. Lex is an older, richer and incredibly fashionable man who happens to be built like a Calvin Klein underwear model. Lex is never, ever seen not wearing purple and has very expensive taste in clothing, cars and art. He harbors a dislike of women and has been known to physically abuse them, due in part to his father’s blaming him for his mother’s death when he was but a boy. His father never showed him any affection as a boy, thus leaving a gaping hole in his heart that can only be filled by the approval of a man.

Lex also has a wholly unhealthy fixation on Clark, bordering on obsession.

Lex’s affection for Clark causes him to constantly lavish him with gifts. Any time Clark is in any trouble, Lex is there to give him some money to help solve his problems, pay for some medical bills, or simply let him come stay in his mansion whenever he needs some time away from his overcontrolling parents.

Clark is somewhat confused about Lex and the uncontrollable pull Lex’s affections have on him. Time and time again, Lex betrays Clark’s trust, but at the end of the day Clark is always willing to try to change Lex into the man he wishes, hell, knows he could be. Clark’s parents on the otherhand don’t like Lex, being generally distrustful of his status flaunting nature. This eats Clark up inside, making him wish they could just see the man he sees when he looks into those wonderful hazel eyes, not knowing (as we do) that soon they will become bitter rivals, clamboring for the affections of the entire nation.

See what I mean?

3: Seriously Warner Bros., what the fuck is up with that chest logo weapon? Brett Ratner, is that your fault? I’ll bet you’re going to blame it on Christopher Reeve now that he’s dead, but I would appreciate it if you’d fess up. Thanks.

Janet Jackson's Secret Baby

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 22:05:39 -0800

If you follow the news at all, chaces are that you’ve heard some of the allegations that Young DeBarge has been making regarding Janet Jackson’s secret child — the one that she’s been hiding since her brief marriage to him in 1984. All the allegations have been denied and attributed to DeBarge trying to build up publicity surrounding the release of his new album, but my sources have just uncovered this rare photograph depicting Janet with her mysterious baby.

Click to Enlarge

The photo appears to have been taken at a BET awards ceremony sometime in 1985 or early 1986, but it isn’t clear why Janet brought him along. Perhaps her sitter cancelled?

It seems pretty clear that DeBarge isn’t lying about the mysterious child, but it appears he isn’t being 100% truthful about the child’s paternity…

That Crazy Charlotte Church..

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Thu, 29 Sep 2005 23:51:16 -0700

It seems as if Charlotte Church and Wilford Brimley brought along a guest on their recent trip to an unnamed beach. Based on photographic evidence, that guest appears to be Natalie Portman. This photograph, which was taken with the disposable camera Wilford Brimley brought along to document his adventures with Charlotte and Natalie, was given to me by a source that wishes to be unnamed. “Anonymity is the right thing to do,” was my sources only reply to my request for permission to name him.

Click to Enlarge

It is unknown whether Natalie was introduced to Wilford by Charlotte, or to Charlotte by Wilford, but one thing is certain: the trio were nearly inseparable throughout the course of the long weekend. Much time was spent in the cabin the three shared, while Cabana boys reported demands for pot after pot of boiling water to be brought to them. The only clue as to the use of the boiling water is perhaps the box of “hot grits” (manufactured by the company Wilford gained most of his public notoriety being the spokesman for) being held by Charlotte as Wilford snapped this photo.

UPDATE: Has Wilford sewn his oats even further?

UPDATE AGAIN: Holy moly! Wilford seems to be crankin’ out baby-mammas like they’re going out of style!

TomKat is history...

nospam@example.com (jer@nyquil.org) — Wed, 21 Sep 2005 21:48:10 -0700

Move over Tom and Katie, there’s a new generation-gapping relationship about to dominate the tabloids:

Wilford Brimley + Charlotte Church = Charlford.
You heard it here first.

Wilford Brimley is totally going to tap that. Because it’s the right thing to do.